going into new situations (e.g. a new workplace or school) might become a less terrifying idea if you eliminate the generalizations for yourself and instead stay open to the possibilities of who you might find there. like a friend who’s into the same band as you are, and someone who always falls asleep on their desk because their snap stories tell you that they like to watch the stars during the night, and someone who makes stupid dad jokes to cheer others up and someone else who’s from the same neighborhood you’re from or works at your local drugstore. not everyone in this new environment will be as judgmental and ‘normal’ as you’re afraid of. people aren’t scary, they’re just multidimensional, and that’s a beautiful, vibrant thing to discover you’ll grow to be a part of.
Grounding exercises are a way for you to firmly anchor yourself in the present.
Grounding exercises are things you can do to bring yourself into contact with the present moment – the here and now. They can be quick strategies (like taking three deep “belly breaths”) or longer, more formal exercises (like meditation). Different strategies work for different people, and there is no “wrong” way to ground yourself. The main aim is to keep your mind and body connected and working together.
People who have experienced childhood sexual abuse or adult sexual assault can sometimes be confronted by flashbacks or intense memories of what was done, to the point that they are feel as if they are back there, re-living the abuse all over again. A flashback is an example of being in the “there and then” rather than the “here and now,” so grounding exercises can help to bring you back.
1. Remind yourself of who you are now. Say your name. Say your age now. Say where you are now. Say what you have done today. Say what you will do next.
2. “My name is ________, and I am 26 years old. I am in my living room, in my home, in (neighborhood), in (city), in (state). I woke up early today. I had a shower and fed my dog. I just finished my coffee and toast. Soon I am going to walk to the train station and go in to work. I am going to walk down ______ street and then turn left at the bike shop. Then I am going to….”
3. Take ten slow breaths. Focus your attention fully on each breath, on the way in and on the way out. Say number of the breath to yourself as you exhale.
4. Splash some water on your face. Notice how it feels. Notice how the towel feels as you dry.
5. Sip a cool drink of water.
6. Hold a cold can or bottle of soft drink in your hands. Feel the coldness, and the wetness on the outside. Note the bubbles and taste as you drink.
7. If you wake during the night, remind yourself who you are, and where you are. Tell yourself who you are and where you are. What year is it, what age are you now? Look around the room and notice familiar objects and name them. Feel the bed you are lying on, the warmth or coolness of the air, and notice any sounds you hear.
8. Feel the clothes on your body, whether your arms and legs are covered or not, and the sensation of your clothes as you move in them. Notice how your feet feel to be encased in shoes or socks.
9. If you are with other people, and you feel comfortable with them, concentrate closely on what they are saying and doing, and remind yourself why you are with them.
10. If you are sitting, feel the chair under you and the weight of your body and legs pressing down onto it. Notice the pressure of the chair, or floor, or table against your body and limbs.
11. If you are lying down, feel the contact between your head, your body and your legs, as they touch the surface you are lying on. Starting from your head, notice how each part of your body feels, all the way down to your feet, on the soft or hard surface.
12. Stop and listen. Notice and name what sounds you can hear nearby. Gradually move your awareness of sounds outward, so you are focusing on what you can hear in the distance.
13. Hold a mug of tea in both hands and feel its warmth. Don’t rush drinking it; take small sips, and take your time tasting each mouthful.
14. Look around you, notice what is front of you and to each side. Name and notice the qualities of large objects and then smaller ones.
15. Get up and walk around. Take your time to notice each step as you take one, then another.
16. Stamp your feet, and notice the sensation and sound as you connect with the ground.
17. Clap and rub your hands together. Hear the noise and feel the sensation in your hands and arms.
18. Wear an elastic band on your wrist (not tight) and flick it gently, so that you feel it spring back on your wrist.
19. If you can, step outside, notice the temperature of the air and how much it is different or similar to where you have just come from.
20. Stretch.
21. Notice five things you can see, five things you can hear, five things you can feel, taste, or smell.
22. If you have a pet, spend some time with them. Notice what is special and different about them.
23. Run your hands over something with an interesting texture.
24. Get a sultana, a nut, or some seeds, etc. Focus on how it looks, feels and smells. Put it in your mouth and notice how that feels, before chewing mindfully and noticing how it feels to swallow.
25. Put on a piece of instrumental music. Give it all of your attention.
26. If you have a garden or some plants, tend to them for a bit. Plants, and actual soil, can be an excellent “grounder!”
This is Lani Ka'ahumanu, bisexual activist and co-founder of BiPOL, the first bisexual political organization in the United States.
Born to a Japanese and native Hawaiian mother and an Irish and Jewish father, she began her activism in the 1960’s in pro-civil rights and anti-Vietnam war protests. She identified as a lesbian and began her involvement in the LGBT liberation fighting for the rights of lesbian mothers. However, she would later fall in love with a (bisexual) man where she would realize her true sexuality. After a change in label, she felt shunned from mainstream lesbian and gay movement and began to push for bisexual visibility. She published the article “Biphobic: Some of my friends are” in a popular lesbian magazine in 1982 to spread awareness of biphobia within the lgbt community.
She launched a 12 city campaign for the inclusion of “bisexual” in the gay and lesbian march scheduled for 1993. Thanks to her efforts, it was renamed “March on Washington for Lesbian, Gay, and Bi Equal Rights and Liberation.” She was also scheduled as one of 18 speakers, taking her place as the only out bisexual on the panel.
Right before taking stage, she was told to cut her speech from 5 minutes to 2 because they had gone over time. She started with,
“Aloha, my name is Lani Ka’ahumanu, and it ain’t over til the bisexual speaks.”
She used her speaking time to raise awareness about the treatment of bisexuals and trans individuals, saying ..”recognition of bisexual orientation and transgender issues presents a challenge to assumptions not previously explored within the politics of gay liberation.”
Ka'ahumanu also considers herself to be a sex and body positive feminist. She created a “Peer Safer Slut Team” with Cianna Stewart, another activist, during the AIDS crisis to spread information through education workshops about safe sex for women and the lgbt community. held many educational workshops on safer sex
1993, she served as project coordinator for an American Foundation for AIDS Research grant awarded to Lyon-Martin Women’s Health Services. This is the first grant in U.S. to target young high risk lesbian and bi women for HIV/AIDS prevention/education research.
She co-authored “Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out” in 1991. This is largely considered the “bisexual bible” and helped kickstart the modern bisexual movement. She’s still alive today and doing work to promote bisexual activism and body positivity.
sadness is only temporary darkness. everything is tagged with an expiry date: people die, memories fade, perspectives shift. so don’t worry, this too shall pass. i strongly recommend therapy if the sadness is crippling. explore your own experience. build your support system.
